Chuck Palahniuk's 50 Shades of Fu$&%d up.

(book promo)

What does the beautifully dark, cynical, and comically outrageous Chuck Palahniuk write in a culture currently obsessed with vampire books and fan fiction erotica passed off as literature? He composes a novel making fun of it. Palahniuk is the sadistic Jon Stewart of literature, the malevolent Saturday Night Live of the written word. Palahniuk has earned the right at this point in his career to write just about anything his delightfully demented head can stir up—not that he hasn’t always done so—and people will listen. 

In the time since Fight Club finally found a publisher in 1996 and especially since David Fincher’s adaptation of it featuring Brad Pitt and Ed Norton became a cult classic, Palahniuk has continued to rummage and probe into the most unsettling and ominous locked drawers and musty closets of the human psyche. He does so with a sense of dark humour that makes Quentin Tarantino and Kurt Vonnegut look like sissies in comparison. Beautiful You, the latest Palahniuk novel, is no exception.

So here I shall warn you: this book is about sex, a lot of sex, dirty sex, ridiculous sex, violent sex, and non-consensual sex. If that bothers you, read no further. And certainly do not read the novel in question.

Official US Book Cover

Stuffed like a dumpling with romance novel clichés (you know this one: the ordinary girl whisked off her feet by a mysterious, rich, handsome man as the quirky best friend cheers her on), and the tongue-in-cheek usage of erotic language E.L. James would be proud of (“The feeling spread to her arms. Her breasts seemed to swell. Her mind stretched to accommodate a joy she’d never known existed.”), the first half of the book reads like 50 Shades of Grey. As it is supposed to. But all the while Penny, our ordinary girl, is experiencing mind-numbing pleasure at the hands of the stoic C. Linus Maxwell (nickname: Climax Well), we find that he is really experimenting and gathering data for the world’s most perfect line of “personal care products” to be marketed under the name “Beautiful You”. Our girl Penny is a smart cookie. She knows the products are dangerously pleasurable. “Despite their delightful effects, the Beautiful You products generated merely a powerful love substitute. Her darkest fear was that the world’s women wouldn’t know the difference.”

About now is when we remember this book was written by Chuck Palahniuk, not Danielle Steele. The second half of the novel is something of a post-apocalyptic memoir where once the perfected sex toy is released to the masses, it becomes an full-fledged, junkies in the street, abandoned building combination of epidemic and addiction. Good old Penny from small-town Omaha was right. Women refuse to leave their bedrooms, except for the retrieval of batteries. Maxwell uses this to his advantage, manipulating the stock market by manipulating the way women who use his product shop, controlling their pleasure to coerce them into buying products manufactured by his various companies. World domination through vibrators and dildos.

Here is where it would be easy to write off Beautiful You as another novel warning about the dangers of consumerism. But I think Palahniuk is getting at a very different point. He approaches the idea of arousal addiction in an outrageous way that somehow manages to highlight the subtlety of his point. While people have long denounced pornography and the advertisement industry exploiting sexuality to convince men to buy their product, Palahniuk offers us the other side of the coin. He addresses this idea of “arousal addiction” as so: “Artificial over-stimulation seemed like the perfect way to stifle a generation of young people who wanted more and more from a world where less and less was available.” Replacing human interaction with sex toys and porno is relatable to replacing human interaction with text messages and social media. And then it becomes a compulsion.

The post-Beautiful-You chaos is a gruesome and abhorrent scene only Palahniuk could have concocted. The world descends into chaos as the products take over. There are gang fights, underground black markets specializating in the manufacture and trading of counterfeit vibrators, violent assassinations and drive-by shootings of armored trucks and their drivers, all to attain new toys. “The whole situation seemed almost as crazy as Beanie Babies or those Michael Jordan shoes had been. Almost.” The flourish of Palahniuk’s unmistakably distinct sense of humor is apparent. A particularly gruesome scene involves a terrified CNN reporter in a helicopter above New York City where “the skies of the city were crisscrossed with these flaming warheads. Wherever they landed, each burst like an incendiary bomb, igniting buildings, cars, and trees. Turning the island into a warzone.” The copter almost gets shot down. No, this is not Tim Obrien’s The Things They Carried, and we are not in Vietnam. The bombs are dildos, exploding from a massive bonfire in the center of Yankee Stadium where angry husbands and boyfriends savagely throw the artificial phalluses into the flames like banned books, Fahrenheit 451 style.

Other Beautiful You cover art.

For so much build up, the climax was less than satisfying for me. (I’m sorry, I just had to.) Beautiful You’s culmination, although riddled with classic Palahniuk twists, just falls short for me. It seems as if Chuck was so consumed by the concept and portraying it so dramatically that the plot became an afterthought, especially its ending. The novel raises important questions, and, as usual, brilliantly employs hyperbole to draw attention to important and shocking trends in modern society. But perhaps it’s Penny, the narrator, or maybe it’s the idea of pink phalluses goofily flying through the air like some weird ‘80s porno, but I rolled my eyes far more than I nodded my head.

I missed the clever Chuck quips, the repetitious phrases and subtle literary devices that made me fall in love (if I may be so cliché myself) with Lullaby, and Survivor. This is not his first time climbing the Mt. Everest of literary topics that is sex (see: Choke, Snuff), but in his effort to write in the style of the books and culture he is mocking, we lose his witty voice that is inherent despite its many manifestations in his other works, most memorably Damned and Pygmy.

Despite its failure to live up to its predecessors, Beautiful You still delivers a hilarious tale of the dangers of blind obsession with the sex objects advertisers throw at society daily. While Chuck Palahniuk’s voice may not be as strong, his message is impactful. As he said in a recent interview with Curious Animal Magazine published November 3, 2014, “My goal is not to be liked. My goal is to be remembered.” Well Chuck, I’m certainly not forgetting those flying pink dildos any time soon, my friend.

8 Books You Read In High School That You Should Absolutely Read Again

1. Lord of the Flies by William Golding


Lord of the Flies follows the tale of a group of school-age children stuck on an island. The children do their best to govern themselves but things get out of hand, as they tend to do on deserted islands. While the story itself is riveting, the books also sends an important message about the infectious nature of power and the importance of communication and camaraderie that can be applied to adults as well as Piggy, Ralph, and the vicious Jack Merridew.

"Maybe there is a beast... maybe it's only us." 

-Simon, Lord of the Flies

2. 1984 by George Orwell

1984 is eerie. In a day and age where leaked NSA documents prove without a doubt that the United States government is collecting massive amounts of data about its citizens, this dystopian novel proves more relevant than ever. In high school, you may have brushed this novel off as science fiction. Read it again and you may just see it as more of a warning.

"Big Brother is Watching You." 

-1984

3. The Crucible by Arthur Miller
Dramatic and passionate, The Crucible tells the story of the Salem Witch Trials and the power of fear and deception to ruin lives. Read again as an adult, one can understand the story as an illustration of the dangers of McCarthyism and people with power's exploitation of the fear of communism during the 1950s. Ah, and we certainly feel for poor John Proctor, the classic example of the good guy that made a mistake he has to pay for much more than he deserves.

"Until an hour before the Devil fell, God thought him beautiful in heaven." 

-Reverend Hale, The Crucible

 

4. Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

"Romeo and Juliet" by Frank Dicksee

Shakespeare isn't light reading. Dictionary in one hand and SparkNotes in the other, you probably went more for the big picture than trying to understand the old English that Willy used line for line. Going back and reading it again, however, you may be able to pick up more on the dirty jokes Shakespeare slipped in there (hint: the Nurse and Mercutio are rather adept at this) and realize the story is more about impulsive behavior than a story of true, undying love. After all, Romeo was hopelessly in love with Rosaline like, a week ago.

"O Romeo, that she were! Oh, that she were

An open arse, and thou a poperin pear."

-Mercutio, Romeo and Juliet

5. The Illiad and The Odyssey by Homer
Number five on the list is two in one. These are some of the most famous works of literature of all time and they are also some of the most interesting. It's like an ancient Greek soap opera mixed with an action-adventure war story. Lyrically beautiful, even in their translated versions, these two are amazing to go back and read to enjoy, instead of for a school assignment. And perhaps the greatest part of these stories is that the Greeks of their time believed them to be historically accurate! The Trojan War is still a mystery and who doesn't love a good mystery?

“Give me a place to stand and I will move the earth.” 

-Homer, The Iliad

 

6. A Farewell To Arms by Ernest Hemingway

This one recounts the tale of an Italian soldier during World War I. Disguised as a love story, the book uses Hemingway's own experiences to paint a vivid picture of war and its effect on people and relationships. With Ernest's characteristically succinct diction and powerful yet straightforward imagery, the book is impossible to put down. Warning: no happy endings here.

"The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places.” 

-Henry, A Farewell To Arms

7. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
Steinbeck loved writing about the Great Depression and Dust Bowl farmers. A short read, Of Mice and Men gives a surprisingly human point of view of the troubled times and is extremely important for its historical context. Perhaps not his most famous novel, but my personal favorite, Of Mice and Men deals with the jaded American dream of the 1930s and a great bit with loneliness. Going back and re-reading it will provide a bit more insight into the companionship of George and Lennie, the tumultuous relationship between Curley, his wife, and the rest of the world, and the events that occur between them.

"Maybe ever’body in the whole damn world is scared of each other.” 

- Slim, Of Mice and Men

8. Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut

Kurt Vonnegut may just be my favorite writer of all time. Slaughterhouse-Five is his semi-autobiographical anti-war tale of the bombing of Dresden during the second World War through the eyes of the bleary and awkward Billy Pilgrim. Vonnegut uses hyperbole and humor to wittily weave a story about the dangers of war and its lack of humanity. Many of the themes, when re-encountered, will leave a lasting effect on the reader, mainly the concept of death and dying. Darkly humorous, Slaughterhouse-Five is completely filled with brilliant quotes, but this quote represents the most important theme of the book.

"So it goes." 

-Billy Pilgrim, Slaughterhouse-Five

 

We're On Fire: The Music of Greek Grind

If there's one thing to be taken away from Sigma Delta Tau's Greek Grind 2014 philanthropy event, it's that if something is worth doing, it's worth overdoing. 

Certainly the sold-out crowd at the Classic Center, the parade of glittery makeup and endless legging-clad dancers might be the most obvious outward signs of the fanatic following the sorority's annual philanthropy has developed over the past ten years, but the best? No. The best sign is the dancer's devotion to this year's theme, "Ignite the Grind." And it showed nowhere more than in the night's soundtrack. 

After careful research and repeated listening, we bring you every song which referenced heat, flame, or fire from this year's Greek Grind. We'll spare you the repeats ("Fireman" and "Hot in Herre" were particular favorites), and hope you enjoy!

The Phantom of the Opera

One can only assume Cameron Mackintosh grew up idolizing Cher when he decided to revamp The Phantom of the Opera after its supposed farewell tour in 2010. All I can say is, thank God for comebacks.

Mackintosh found the perfect balance between revitalizing Broadway’s longest-running musical while still maintaining its’ hauntingly beautiful integrity with new scenery, never-before-seen Bjorson designs, and a larger Phantom presence on-stage. Even the infamous falling chandelier received a makeover by none other than Howard Eaton, the man behind the fiery Olympic rings in London in 2012. As only a true theatre expert could manage, Mackintosh kept the props on stage to a minimum, leaving no room for distraction from where the spotlight truly belonged: his cast.

When the Phantom first appeared on stage, a chill slowly tiptoed down my spine. Despite his opaque mask, his tormented disposition resonated throughout the theatre.  Simply standing there, he was the most commanding of all matadors who did indeed, “catch you with his magical lasso.” In that moment, I had no doubt he could have executed a tango worthy of turning Pablo Repun green with envy. With a thunderous voice to follow, Cooper Grodin provided a stark contrast to his co-star, Grace Morgan.  Morgan, who played Christine Daae had the smoothest of voices like a newly uncorked, butter-y Chardonnay. Their vocally flawless duet, “The Phantom of the Opera” especially stirred a range of emotions from anguish to self-loathing, from loneliness to longing, from uncertainty to forbidden desire.

 Like their voices, the two were juxtaposed together on stage creating seamless edges. Even in the most ominous of scenes, you could almost see the rope tying the two together as he tugged and she pulled. “Pitiful creature of darkness,” Christine cooed as they stood in the dark, foggy cemetery with a dim light shining from behind an Apollo statue, symbolizing her role in his life. The two together on stage left the audience utterly breathless from the overwhelming emotions that were not spoken but felt. Accomplishing this feat was worthy of a standing ovation on its own.

“He murders all that is good,” Carlotta, played by Jacquelynne Fontaine, venomously spat as she stood in what I can only describe as the 80’s version of the red-room-of-pain complete with hideous blue carpet.  Pacing back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, Fontaine played the scorned prima donna masterfully. Although her faux accent came across as forced at times, her fine-tuned shrill of a voice allowed for touches of humor as she berated those around her believing, "Gossips worth its weight in gold." Once she began to sing she proved the mantra there are no small parts, just small actors, as her voice was the reincarnation of Bizet’s muse for Carmen.

Although there were many enthralling details from the simplistic stage design, to the shocking pyrotechnics, to the blinding crystal chandelier, to the beautifully supportive orchestra, to the surprise twist at the end, it was the talent on the stage that refreshed this tragic love story. The connection between the actors revived the classic tale after going five minutes without a pulse, their voices made the songs sound as new as a chick ling in mid-hatch, and the emotions were conveyed so organically that it physically caused the audiences to mirror their own. Even the most transparent of ghosts will find themselves teary-eyed  within the first few bars of “Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again.”

Bravo Mackintosh, bravo.

My Literary Character

Alright I admit it! This book nerd is coming out of the closet…

If I had to choose who my literary character is then it would be Lucy Pevensie from The Chronicles of Narnia without a doubt. Lucy is trusting of those around her, almost to a fault, and intensely loyal to those she loves. She would go to the ends of the earth for her friends and never betray them. She is a sensitive soul with a positive outlook, despite facing various adversities. Her bravery to face obstacles head-on while maintaining a strong sense of morality has always inspired me and will continue to drive my Lucy-like force-of-nature within.

"When you grow up, you should be just like you"- Lucy (The Voyage of the Dawn Treader)

Sharing The Stage

Suddenly my world was more alive than ever before…

It all began when I turned nine. My mother took me to see my first play, "The Nutcracker," and even though I still find it to be one of the most tedious few hours of my life, she began a tradition for us that have become the days I treasure most.

At dinner before Jersey Boys

Each year we dress up, stuff our faces with Atlanta’s fine dining, and wun (my mother’s term of an gleeful half-walk, half-run) hand-in-hand over to The Fox. She has no idea how much I enjoy these times with her, but I’m certain it’s the only thing that got us through my hard-headed, argumentative teenage years. If nothing else, it’s probably the only few hours we can spend together without arguing and trading involuntary eye-rolls. I’m convinced The Fox holds magical powers in its faux twinkling stars above, because our incompatible brains suddenly, yet seamlessly, become one.

Tickets from the best costume display
I've ever seen!

Our roars of laughter were perfectly in sync at Robin Williams, our doe-eyes were the exact same in measurement at "The Lion King," she handed me her used tissue without a single glance in my direction during "The Color Purple," we gasped simultaneously when the phantom disappeared, we sang, horribly off-key, to the random verses of “it’s a hard-knocked life” in tandem, and we both found ourselves physically unable to remove our hineys from the edge of our seats during "Wicked."

These moments with my mother not only bring us closer but also allow me to submerge into the dramatic part of my brain, begging for any form of theatrics that our regimented daily lives refuse to allow. We become a part of the performances. If she takes the stage, than I’m her spotlight with zero stage direction necessary. If I’m hitting a high note, she’s the accompanying orchestra without a conductor.

When I’m at the theatre magic becomes real, beauty holds a new meaning and possibilities seem endless. Simply stated, there’s no one else I’d rather share the stage with.